We’ve all heard the saying, “Don’t say ‘should,’ say ‘I must.'” For me, turning a should into a must feels even worse. It’s like an authoritative command that doesn’t inspire me at all. In fact, it feels easier to ignore. What if, instead, we started with the things we will do? Then, explore the things we are willing to do but might have steps that we subconsciously have a problem with but haven’t articulated.
Perhaps we merely need to flesh out the exact steps for things we’ve been shoulding around with. I know for me, my “shoulds” or things or projects that are stuck all have a reason. Some require agreement from a partner or at least clarity. Some involve multiple steps.
I often hear myself saying things like, “I am going to put out my first supplement.” Well, hello? I know this stuff, been there, done that. That means deciding on which website, what brand, what name, who designs the label, what is the price point, the shipping, what shopping cart, what forms of payment, what processor, what gateway. That’s just 10 steps right there. Then there’s the question of how much more research I want to do. Even deciding on which supplement, which manufacturer has the best formulation, what about the copy, and which lawyer for the claims and labels, and which nutritionist and doctor to review the label. So I might actually have 20 steps.
The point I am trying to make is that I suspect that some of the things you know you should do have a plethora of similar steps, and each one of those steps has multiple choices. It might be easier to go back to my “shit for brains” path of choice that I wrote about earlier. I know people who are all in multilevel marketing companies where they just take everything said to them as gospel truth and are off to the races selling what might be an inferior product that is grossly overpriced to pay seven levels of commissions. I am not capable of doing that.
But aren’t I then denying dozens, hundreds, or thousands of people the ability to buy the best possible product at the best price? Perhaps for all of us, that should be the test: If you know your course, your book, your product, or your service is the best value, it’s time to pull the trigger.
Steps to Turn Shoulds into Actions
Identify the Will Dos:
Start by listing the things you will do without hesitation. These are your non-negotiables, the tasks you feel confident and clear about.
Explore Willingness:
Identify the tasks you are willing to do but might have reservations about. Break these down into smaller, manageable steps.
Clarify the Steps:
For each “should,” list all the steps involved. Flesh out the details to identify where you might be stuck.
Seek Agreement and Clarity:
If a task involves others, seek agreement and clarity. Ensure everyone is on the same page to move forward smoothly.
Prioritize and Plan:
Prioritize the tasks based on their importance and urgency. Create a step-by-step plan to tackle them.
Test Your Value:
Assess whether your product, service, or idea offers the best value. If it does, take action confidently, knowing you are providing something worthwhile.
Conclusion
Stop shoulding on yourself. Instead, focus on what you will do, explore your willingness, and break down the steps needed to turn your shoulds into actionable tasks. By doing this, you can move forward with clarity and purpose, ensuring you provide the best possible value to those who need it.
Oprah could make anyone feel heard. Not just “heard,” but felt. Understood. Seen. That skill earned her a billion dollars.
Obama? He spoke with such resonance clarity and rhythm, That skill earned him the Presidency.
You dont have to agree with either of them. You dont even have to like them. But when it comes to creating relationships individually or even the world. They embody the greatest in speaking and listening and thats what you do every day with everyone.
That’s it. That’s the blog. If you take the ball and run with it—if you really get it— Your life will change. Your relationships will deepen. You can stop reading now.
Still here?
Good. Then let’s go deeper.
The First Skill: Listen Like Oprah
Deep listening isn’t a cute communication trick. It’s a superpower. To listen like Oprah means dropping the voices in your head. Yes, those voices: – The voice preparing your response. – The voice judging what they’re saying. – The voice itching to say, “Me too!”
Thoughts will pop up. That’s normal. But true listening means having the discipline to let those thoughts go and return—again and again—to the person in front of you.
Because here’s the truth: No matter how profound your story or how helpful your insight might be, it can wait. Bite your tongue. Stay with them.
If you’re truly present, something magical happens: They go deeper. They open up. They feel your presence—and they want to stay there.
The Second Skill: Talk Like Obama
Obama didn’t rush. He didn’t try to cram in every thought at once. He gave you space—space to feel, space to digest what he was saying.
That’s how you speak so people remember.
We live in a world where speed is mistaken for clarity. But slowness is power.
If you want to be heard: slow down. If you want your words to land: pause. If you want to connect: let your voice breathe.
This is the paradox of real communication: We talk fast to be heard… and end up ignored. We interrupt to connect… and end up pushing people away.
The Real Secret? It’s Not About You.
The moment you drop the need to be impressive, The moment you stop trying to sound smart, or be right, or fix something, You start to connect.
When someone speaks to you, listen not just for the words— Listen for what’s not said. The tone. The hesitations. The body language.
Then ask about that.
“I noticed your tone shifted when you talked about your daughter. What’s going on there?”
That’s the kind of listening people never forget. That’s the kind of question that opens hearts. That’s where the real stuff lives.
Final Thought
This isn’t a gimmick. This is a way of being.
Listen like Oprah. Talk like Obama. And watch your world change.
We’ve all heard the saying, “Don’t say ‘should,’ say ‘I must.'” For me, turning a should into a must feels even worse. It’s like an authoritative command that doesn’t inspire me at all. In fact, it feels easier to ignore. What if, instead, we started with the things we will do? Then, explore the things we are willing to do but might have steps that we subconsciously have a problem with but haven’t articulated.
Perhaps we merely need to flesh out the exact steps for things we’ve been shoulding around with. I know for me, my “shoulds” or things or projects that are stuck all have a reason. Some require agreement from a partner or at least clarity. Some involve multiple steps.
I often hear myself saying things like, “I am going to put out my first supplement.” Well, hello? I know this stuff, been there, done that. That means deciding on which website, what brand, what name, who designs the label, what is the price point, the shipping, what shopping cart, what forms of payment, what processor, what gateway. That’s just 10 steps right there. Then there’s the question of how much more research I want to do. Even deciding on which supplement, which manufacturer has the best formulation, what about the copy, and which lawyer for the claims and labels, and which nutritionist and doctor to review the label. So I might actually have 20 steps.
The point I am trying to make is that I suspect that some of the things you know you should do have a plethora of similar steps, and each one of those steps has multiple choices. It might be easier to go back to my “shit for brains” path of choice that I wrote about earlier. I know people who are all in multilevel marketing companies where they just take everything said to them as gospel truth and are off to the races selling what might be an inferior product that is grossly overpriced to pay seven levels of commissions. I am not capable of doing that.
But aren’t I then denying dozens, hundreds, or thousands of people the ability to buy the best possible product at the best price? Perhaps for all of us, that should be the test: If you know your course, your book, your product, or your service is the best value, it’s time to pull the trigger.
Steps to Turn Shoulds into Actions
Identify the Will Dos:
Start by listing the things you will do without hesitation. These are your non-negotiables, the tasks you feel confident and clear about.
Explore Willingness:
Identify the tasks you are willing to do but might have reservations about. Break these down into smaller, manageable steps.
Clarify the Steps:
For each “should,” list all the steps involved. Flesh out the details to identify where you might be stuck.
Seek Agreement and Clarity:
If a task involves others, seek agreement and clarity. Ensure everyone is on the same page to move forward smoothly.
Prioritize and Plan:
Prioritize the tasks based on their importance and urgency. Create a step-by-step plan to tackle them.
Test Your Value:
Assess whether your product, service, or idea offers the best value. If it does, take action confidently, knowing you are providing something worthwhile.
Conclusion
Stop shoulding on yourself. Instead, focus on what you will do, explore your willingness, and break down the steps needed to turn your shoulds into actionable tasks. By doing this, you can move forward with clarity and purpose, ensuring you provide the best possible value to those who need it.
offers a profound insight into personal freedom and self-acceptance. It underlines the unrealistic nature of seeking universal approval and the importance of focusing on genuine connections that truly enrich our lives.
In a world often dominated by social media and a culture of comparison, it’s easy to fall into the trap of measuring self-worth through the lens of others’ approval. However, embracing the fact that not everyone has to love you can be liberating. It allows individuals to live more authentically, making decisions based on personal values and desires rather than catering to the expectations of others. This perspective fosters a healthier self-image and encourages relationships built on real affinity and mutual respect, rather than superficial approval.
The pursuit of being universally liked can be exhausting and ultimately unfulfilling. People have diverse opinions and preferences, and that’s what adds richness to human interactions. Accepting that some might not resonate with who you are or what you believe in is not a reflection of one’s worth but a natural part of human diversity.
This realization encourages a focus on the quality of relationships rather than quantity. It cultivates resilience, as one learns to face criticism or rejection without it diminishing their sense of self. Ultimately, understanding that you don’t need everyone’s love to lead a fulfilling life empowers individuals to pursue happiness on their own terms, fostering a sense of inner peace and confidence.
Why everyone seeks approval and how difficult it is to not seek it. It is sabotaging i in business. Obviously salesmen wouldnt be paid so highly if the biggest fear isnt public speaking but rejection
The human desire for approval is deeply ingrained, often rooted in our evolutionary past where social acceptance was crucial for survival. This longing for acceptance and fear of rejection can be traced back to our ancestors, who lived in small, interdependent groups where being ostracized could mean life or death. In the modern era, although the stakes are different, the psychological imprint remains. Many people still intensely crave social approval and fear rejection, which can profoundly impact personal and professional behavior.
The Psychological Basis of Seeking Approval
Psychologically, seeking approval is linked to our self-esteem and identity. People often interpret approval as a validation of their worth or ideas, which can boost their self-confidence and sense of belonging. Conversely, rejection can trigger feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. This drive for acceptance can influence many aspects of life, from personal relationships to career choices.
The Challenge of Not Seeking Approval
Choosing not to seek approval is a challenging path, primarily because it goes against these deep-seated psychological tendencies. It requires one to develop a strong sense of self that is not dependent on others’ perceptions. This involves cultivating self-awareness, self-acceptance, and the resilience to withstand criticism and rejection. It can be particularly tough in environments that constantly evaluate and judge performance, such as workplaces or social media platforms.
The Impact in Business
In business, the need for approval and fear of rejection can be both a motivating factor and a potential pitfall. On one hand, these emotions can drive individuals to perform at their best, innovate, and improve customer satisfaction. On the other hand, an excessive fear of rejection can lead to risk aversion, stress, and decision paralysis. Professionals might avoid necessary but potentially unpopular decisions, or fail to innovate due to fear of criticism.
Sales and Rejection
The role of a salesperson exemplifies the high stakes of seeking approval in a business context. Sales professionals often face rejection directly and repeatedly, which can be emotionally draining. Yet, their effectiveness and their compensation often hinge on how well they can manage and transcend this fear of rejection. The high value placed on skilled salespeople underlines the broader business challenge: navigating the delicate balance between seeking approval to drive success and becoming overly reliant on it to the detriment of personal and organizational goals.
Concluding Thoughts
While seeking approval is a natural human inclination, learning to moderate this need and handle rejection with grace is crucial for personal growth and professional success. In business, recognizing when the fear of rejection is hindering progress is vital. Cultivating a culture that encourages risk-taking and views rejection as a step towards success rather than a setback can help individuals and organizations thrive. By reframing rejection and reducing the stigma associated with it, everyone from top executives to frontline salespeople can achieve a healthier, more productive approach to their roles and responsibilities.
how about rejection and love
Rejection in the context of love and relationships can be one of the most emotionally challenging experiences. It strikes at the core of our desires for connection, belonging, and acceptance. Understanding and managing rejection in love requires both emotional resilience and an appreciation for personal growth.
The Emotional Impact of Rejection in Love
When someone experiences rejection in a romantic context—whether it’s unrequited feelings, a breakup, or even a failed marriage—the pain can be profound. This is because romantic relationships are deeply personal and involve a significant emotional investment. The rejection can trigger feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, and grief.
Psychologically, romantic rejection activates the same pathways in the brain that physical pain does. This means that the heartache of a breakup or the sting of unrequited love is not just metaphorical; it’s a tangible form of distress that can have both psychological and physiological effects.
Navigating Rejection in Love
Navigating rejection in a romantic context requires a focus on self-care and personal development. Here are a few strategies:
Self-Reflection: Use the experience as an opportunity for self-reflection. Consider what the relationship and its end can teach about what you value and need in a partnership.
Emotional Expression: Allow yourself to grieve and express your emotions in healthy ways. This might include talking with friends, writing in a journal, or engaging in creative activities like music or art.
Building Resilience: Cultivate resilience by focusing on your strengths and achievements outside of the relationship. Engaging in activities that build self-esteem and confidence can help mitigate feelings of rejection.
Seeking Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a professional therapist. Sharing your feelings can lighten your emotional load and provide you with perspectives that affirm your self-worth.
Moving Forward: Eventually, focus on moving forward. Engage in new activities, meet new people, and open yourself to new experiences. While this doesn’t mean rushing into another relationship, it does mean staying open to the possibilities of life.
The Positive Aspects of Rejection in Love
While painful, rejection can also be a catalyst for personal growth. It can lead to deeper self-awareness, stronger resilience, and a better understanding of one’s needs and desires in a relationship. Learning to handle rejection with grace and maturity can also improve future relationships by encouraging clearer communication, better emotional management, and more realistic expectations.
In summary, while rejection in love is a universally difficult experience, it also offers valuable lessons and opportunities for emotional development. By approaching it with the right mindset, one can navigate through this challenging time and emerge stronger and more prepared for future connections.
You’ve likely heard about the techniques of matching and mirroring, right? To establish rapport, one must initially match someone’s energy level before guiding them to a different emotional state. Imagine encountering someone whose energy is somewhat low; if you approach with overwhelming enthusiasm, you might entertain them, but you won’t necessarily uplift their spirits.
Instead, what if you began by matching their subdued energy, gained their trust, and then, with permission, engaged them in an activity to elevate their mood? This approach isn’t just about entertainment—it’s about providing a truly enriching experience.
This post is dedicated to Michael Smikun and Fernando Valencia. I recently learned from Michael during a captivating hour where he managed to energize a room full of disinterested doctors by encouraging them to tickle each other, followed by a thorough discussion on how to uplift energy and facilitate energy transference.
Moments later, I shared these insights with Fernando. I have often described myself as a golden retriever. I get excited when I see my friends and often “jump on them and lick them,” and that actually does cheer them up 90% of the time. He reminded me of the intuitive approach of golden retrievers: sometimes, when you’re feeling down, these dogs don’t just overwhelm you with energy. Instead, they might gently lay their head on your lap, a simple act that can lift your spirits enough to invite you to go out and play with them elevating you both.
As I write this, it strikes me how much we can learn from the empathetic nature of dogs. Perhaps my next blog should explore everything we can learn from animals. But for now, heartfelt thanks to Michael and Fernando for their insights.
I’ve heard similar principles a thousand times before, even 40 years ago at an Anthony Robbins seminar, and I’ve read about it in various forms from many different sources. However, either it takes time, or Michael and Fernando explained the micro-distinctions with such precision and practical examples that it’s transforming. How I engage with the people I love is the most vital piece of our engagement.
This is not about selling shit. It’s about being present to let each of my family and friends know how deeply I care about them. Interestingly, “being present” might actually be more beneficial than blurting out the latest life-saving tip I’ve learned. It’s a subtle yet powerful shift from giving advice to truly connecting, and if I’m thoughtful enough, I might even enter at their “speed limit” — perhaps there’s another blog in that concept alone — and who knows? Maybe then, I could truly make a life-saving difference.
As I re read this it might make an interesting discussion or debate whether “golden retriever” energy works all of the time, or 90% of the time or it just feels that way. Also is it a good pattern interrupt or is it better to ask permission? I’ll let you know. Or you can let me know. Practice caring more about the people you love.
*Michael Smikun and Fernando Valencia are part of the Unblinded team.
If you were given a computer at birth that would be your operating system for life, instead of a “brain,” and that would be the only one you would get for your whole life, how would you care for it?
How would you take care of the software? Would you allow strangers to program it? Would you allow people who hated you to program it? How would you take care of it physically? What type of fuel would you give it? Would you regularly take out the trash? .. Would you install the best programs? Would you have a virus protector? If there were any programs installed that do not serve you, would you remove them? Would you install faster software better operating systems when they become available?
Have I said anything that isn’t true about your brain? Would you install harmful software? Would you install negative software? Wouldn’t you have some helpful default programs and shortcuts?
This is easy stuff people. Easy to explain. But it might require a plethora of software to execute. There is the meditation software. The physical exercise software. The prayer software. There are surge protectors to insure the energy is clean (lousy food) Do I even need to explain how everything is the same? By the way as your computer ages is it possible to continuously update it?
If you took really good care of your computer, will the sound and the camera and the speed still work? Can you add peripheral devices to speed up your computer? Can you bring in information faster? Can it be programmed to communicate better LOL.
There are a plethora of courses on “communication,” including listening courses, NLP, the Sedona Method, and Dale Carnegie, Toastmasters, Unblinded. This could be the most straightforward blog post I wrote.
If you are running it at top speed processing power continuously will it get damaged? If you program it with bad information will you get bad results? If you find more efficient programs will it run more efficiently? If you put a huge weight on it will it get damaged? If the energy you put into it is too strong or weak will it operate properly? Would it get damaged?
You are in control of all of these choices which you make unconsciously every minute of every day of your life for that thing on top of your head that you call a brain. It cant operate efficiently until it is purged of negativity and poor programming. That might be a lot of people’s biggest obstacles. How many of us mindlessly scroll through, negative, BS, and sales pitches to make us feel bad about a physical aspect of our being or an object we dont have, or a car, home, kitchen appliance, device, or a supplement that will change your life? I could write about the 40,000 ads you see every day to give you “pain” for something that you are supposedly, “Lacking”. But the totality of the ads you see in one day would be more than my total blog, or pretty much any book ever written.
If your brain is programmed correctly and not fed negativity, the unbelievable things it can do are beyond your comprehension. Most of what you need to do is just take out the trash, and stop feeding it trash. The imaginative capabilities of your brain is beyond astonishing.
I was watching TV this morning and stumbled across a televangelist. It’s amazing how far we’ve come. But what sets someone like Tony Robbins apart from Jim Bakker? The answer is nothing.
Sorry if I am impugning the good that many do. But even in the good that they do, dont they all say “listen to me, I have the answers, pay me, do as I say, I am not perfect, I will teach you lessons, find peace friendship in our community, do not spread blasphemy amongst our herd or you will be expelled.” I could go on literally all day.
By the way only Osho said dont follow me if you are not following yourself you are already on the wrong path, Pure genius. He didnt even write a book because he didnt want anyone to follow. All his books are his speeches transcribed. Had to insert him because he is the only on in all of history that I know of that doesnt say “follow me”
I am not saying the others are doing bad work. In fact I know both the church and self help gurus have inspired countless monumental success stories. All I am saying is that they fullfill the same basic human needs,.
They all have their stars and their crooks. I just like honesty and transparency. I also believe most of them have a good heart and are sincerely doing their best. I still own my own brain, so I do have questions.
Blind faith has its upsides and its downsides. I made the comparison recently to house flipping or the “no money down craze”. Many who got rich had Shit For Brains. (PS guess who owns SFB inc). I noticed forty years ago the most successful were not necessarily smart they just did exactly as they were told becasue they didnt have the ability to discern.
In fact most super intelligent people are plagued by their brains. I remember thinking in my early twenties. I wish I could just be happy joining the union making $50,000 a year buying a house in Staten Island, having 2 and a half kids and a dog. Unfortunately I would rather kill myself then be that bored with life, and I almost did countless times. But I didnt succeed. So I guess we will figure out what is next in life for us all.
Sorry for the segue. The brain is too active. The point of this blog is whether you belong to a church a cult, or a self help group, we humans all want, no NEED, community, family, a sense of belonging, a map for life, and hope. There is nothing wrong with seeking it, just dont drink poisoned Kool Ade. Some Kool Ade might be the price of admission. Its too bad the leaders of the churches and self help courses are not into growth. They fear that their kingdom will be toppled if anyone tries to improve what they are doing, because that means they are no longer the sole arbiter of everything.
PS once again I am acknowledging that I learn from all of them. I love to learn. I am also smart enough to understand the way their ecosystem must operate. They can not tolerate everyone questioning them.
Can you imagine if Christianity allowed every parishioner to question everything every day? LOL
Maybe they all use religion as their model, it’s pretty obvious how to run a community of “learning” “Self help” “Self growth” or even “Salvation” “Hope” and “life skills” and “life lessons”
I guess they are all like the McDonalds LOL. McDonalds is famous for creating protocols that anyone can follow. So is religion or self help any different than McDonalds? oops on to the next blog.
To be successful, you must be like McDonald’s: replicable, unquestioning, identical. Actually, hotel chains are like that, too. You know what to expect. Meeting expectations gives people safety. We can even get into the neurology of that and how David constantly reminds us that the amygdala must feel safe.
The amygdala is really interesting must do a blog on that too.
Oops almost forgot AA. But AA is only 2 million compared to two billion in Christianity. Maybe they need to borrow more from the church. PS I learned a lot from AA as well. Serenity prayer is about every single issue in every day of your life. So is HALT. Are you hungry angry lonely or tired? I would bet if HALT was hanging in every household 99% of all arguments would never happen.
But we all need to belong to something, unless you lucky enough to have a dozen siblings and a family bigger than a football team. I wonder how large families fare psychologically? I am sure depending on their leader and rules, they are either fantastic or fantastic disasters too.
Here is an example you can probably relate to. We have all had a pimple at least once in our life. Where does our focus go? It’s literally just to the pimple. We know with absolute certainty that every single person we see that day is only going to see that pimple and nothing else.
When someone sees you walking down the street they see your whole body. You do have a lot of control over that. They will make a judgment about your body, what you are wearing, the way you hold yourself, the way your walk, the smile on your face, and your mood. When you speak, they will hear the tone of your voice, the energy, and how you make them feel. It’s only the pimple that they see, right?
Everyone wants to feel seen, heard and understood. Just ask Oprah. Applying that principle earned her over a billion dollars and worldwide fame.
Take it from me. I should be put in jail for what I have done most of my life. We retouched the most beautiful women in the world to take away any speck of imperfection, or reality, and made generations of women feel insecure and neurotic. I wasnt the evil genius that came up with the idea, but we did do retouching for Ralph Lauren, Chanel, Revlon, Estee Lauder, Cover Girl, L’oreal, Donna Karan, Calvin Klein, to name a few.
I imagined one day I would publish a book of before-and-afters. But all the media back then were archaic items long gone in the garbage, like Zip drives, 9-track tape, and other obsolete media. I can tell you with absolute certainty that every one was extensively retouched.
Think about what you are comparing yourself to. The “model” is already preselected from millions to be a genetic abnormality. Long legs, no hips, big eyes, high cheek bones, and a big square face. Ironically, some of them look weird in person. But then lets get to work. A $2000 a day make up artist, who knows exactly how to bring out the best features of anyone is on set. A photographer who charges $10,000, who knows exactly how to use lighting and angles to get the best shot, thousands of dollars of lighting, an assistant to manage the additional lights, to fill any natural shadows from your face itself. Yet they still need at least 100 shots to get one good one, and you expect that the one you just took with your phone to be perfect LOL.
After hours of shooting, the hundreds of shots go to the creative director to choose the best one. At this point it is retouched. So even with tens of thousands of dollars spent up to this point, our genetically deformed model still needs retouching. Forgot to mention the stylist. Of course they have clothed the person, chosen the perfect color and flattering style, and even altered the attire on the spot to perfection. So when we finally find the best shot, the real magic begins, and gobs more money is spent to make you feel even worse.
We start the retouching. I can tell you for a fact that we were paid around $40,000 to create and separate just the eyelashes for a certain cosmetic company selling an eyelash curler. I can also tell you we took cellulite, loose skin, stretch marks off of many butts of famous models in their twenties! And everyone also gets fat trimmed off of arms and legs. Havent you ever noticed the straight lines around the legs, hips and arms? In fact if it wasnt done perfectly, you might even see a halo where they shaved inches off arms and legs to make everyone look like Barbie.
These women are constantly in make up and have the worst skin. Yet with a mere ten or twenty thousand dollars of retouching for countless hours, going over every millimeter of their skin, we can smooth out all of the imperfections. We can even throw in a quick nose job or excess skin removal under the chin or neck. By the way, ever notice that most of them have no pores? Of course they dont, when you do that much retouching it becomes literally painted over or airbrushed.
So this is what you are comparing yourself too? What is wrong with you? By the way I have seen the budgets. We only did the ads. The media buy for the many pages in magazines is over a million dollars. Ads were often sent to magazines like Vogue, Cosmo, Glamour, Elle, Allure, Bazaar, French Vogue. Who cares if the photography, makeup, and retouching cost $50,000. They were selling the new shade of lipstick, they needed us to make it perfect, and then send perfect digital copies to where all the major magazines were being printed, all over the world.
So that was my professional experience, from my first career. Now for my personal perspective as a male (sorry forgot the weirdo term, is it straight?). I have dated a few women. I was single for some 30 odd years. I can tell you what I was attracted to and what was the most memorable.
I have three basic types. I absolutely love confident, funny and smart women. If you have all three thats sexy too. I cant even think of anything else that I was attracted to. And that was even at a young age. Because even in your twenties, the talking is a lot longer than the sex. Even if you are 24 years old and you are having sex for five hours, yea right. What are you going to do the other 19 hours? Do you think you might actually talk a little bit? How long can you talk to someone that is not interesting? Sorry if your husband only knows baseball stats.
So what else? Lets start with big boobs. The sexiest stunt anyone ever pulled was by a woman I knew that was almost flat. We went to a black tie for our client, Saks Fifth Avenue. She wore a black skirt, and a man tailored shirt practically unbuttoned to her navel, because she could, she was almost flat. She looked elegant and sexy. You could never get away with that with big boobs. Every man in the room managed to negotiate his way near her at a 30 degree angle to get a glimpse. She owned the room. It was at the Waldorf with more than 1000 people. That is what I am talking about for sexy. That was the sexiest stunt anyone ever pulled off in my life. We barely made it home in the cab. Point being sexy is how you carry yourself as well as your humor, confidence, and your accomplishments in life.
Hair? I remember when I was around 30, a sixty year old woman, our office manager, walked in to the office and I was completely mesmerized. I had no idea what had hijacked my brain. I remember it like it was yesterday. She exuded sexuality. I even said “you look great today I dont know what it is.” She replied she got caught in the rain and her hair was all messed up. And then of course it all clicked what was connected in my brain to a woman with hair all messed up? When have I seen that before? I was a bit embarrassed when I made the connection. By the way so far for me, the theme here is natural. The point of this anecdote is sexy is natural.
Clothing? I love contrast. Seeing a woman in a simple T shirt and jeans means you get to see her. She is the highlight and focus. The contrast of her beauty and femininity to the plain clothing makes her stand out. Probably why it looks cute when you see a young lady wearing construction boots vs high heels. The contrast is stunning.
I remember a very wise beyond her years Willa Holland telling me when she was probably around 12 or thirteen years old. You dont want the clothes to wear you, you want to wear the clothes. Meaning if the clothes are that bright and showy the person is lost. The clothes are wearing the person vs the person is wearing the clothes. She was in NY as a very young person attending a red carpet event many years ago. She wore an extremely plain skirt and shirt and was trying to coach her chaperone who was accompanying her and had no idea what to wear. Her chaperone was probably 20 years older than her.
Confidence works for both, or all 37 sexes. People are attracted to confident people. We want to be close to that power. Maybe its another survival hard wired thing. Oh oh maybe the next blog. Sure we know women are attracted primitively to men that look like they can protect them, or have the money to protect them and their offspring in today’s world. But maybe it is just the appearance, meaning the way they carry themselves.
There is a lot to think about. But I can guarantee you one thing we can all agree on. Too much makeup and too much fillers, and too much surgery is not only ugly, its gross.
One more thing stop comparing yourself to the one in a million genetic abnormality with $50,000 invested in makeup, stylist, photography and retouching. You just might be too stupid for anyone to want to date for that reason alone.
Ok one more. Do you really want a superficial jerk. There are guys that seem to gravitate to overblown fake weird looking people. In fact just this week I saw one inappropriately dressed at the White House. I think her husband sells books. I would have died if I was the man accompanying this facsimile of a woman dressed like a slut for a state dinner at the White House. I would never date someone that looked that gross and had no taste and I actually have a few less dollars then her date does. In fact I wouldnt be caught dead even talking to someone that looks like that.
PS even in retrospect, I walked the walk. I didnt do it intentionally, but I dated the working models, no interest. One practically proposed to me. I chose the brilliant smart funny surgeon, who could put me in my place, handle me, and make me laugh, and have fun. She is the sexiest woman I know. I am literally just noticing this as I wrote this and did a “fact check” on myself. And neither one of us needed the other person. Its also sexy to know that you were chosen out of want, not need.
I need to acknowledge Paulina Porizkova. Because I did not know she was an anti retouching advocate. But she was unusually perfect. She was literally the only person we did not retouch when we did Estee Lauder ads. Absolutely everyone else got a ton of retouching. And here is something else for you to ponder before you call the plastic surgeon or even come to us.
In my opinion she could have easily stopped at six minutes. I think she looked better.
I do proudly manage a non surgical cosmetic doctor’s office. We have people flying in from all over the world to do a “non surgical facelift” So I dont need or want the wrong person. If you are under thirty, just dont drink, dont smoke, stay out of the sun. For your body, lose weight, your skin will bounce back. If your grandmother has a ton of disposable income and she wants to do a treatment to make HER happy she can call us. And I am not even putting in a link because that is not what this is about. Its simply not right for most people. You dont borrow money to do treatments, its for discretionary income, for something that bothers you. Shame on pretty much every doctor in New York. When I go to the seminars, they all tell me I could make 30% more money if we took financing. If you cant even afford to put it on your credit card and you have to take out a loan, thats just wrong.
Worse yet shame on RepeatMD. They suggested to not only take financing, but put your proposal that costs many thousands, in a shopping cart for them, so when they get home, after a few drinks, they can purchase it AND finance it. Seriously? How is it even legal to promote drunk purchasing of a medical procedure, let alone finance it?
Society has gone crazy. And there is way too much pressure inappropriately placed on looks. There is way too much emphasis on unnatural large boobs, butts and lips. Dont do any of that. I would rather spend my time educating young women to just not do it. “Just Dont Do it”.
And you can bet your ass, or big fake ass and big fake boobs that the styles will change. I just googled and found a bunch of doctors offering to remove butt implants.
Anyone remember Kate Moss Calvin Klein ads a mere twenty years ago, skinny heroin chic? Or Twiggy from the sixties?
Heck we might even be on the precipice of that now. Anyone heard of Ozempic? All the new weight loss drugs?
I dont know about you but I almost never get angry when its expected, but unexpected is another issue. How do you like it when you decide to leave late to avoid traffic and the road is completely closed and there is a three hour back up? I expect snow in the winter, but what the hell is going on today, Its late April? I guess I am just like Brad Pitt (heart throb). Or is it Larry David (angry old fart)? Or maybe I am just an anti nihilist.
The world does need order. As Brad Pitt said how can we survive when some Bozo is in the fast lane going slow? Or maybe its just survival. OK this is a big can of worms now opened can crawl in any direction. But I am OK with that, how about you? I love to “THINK” vs regurgitating the same thoughts as yesterday.
You do know that most of your thoughts, all 50,000 or 90,000, are the same as yesterday, right? So why did you even bother waking up if that was all you were going to do with today? Seriously the quality of your life is the quality of your thoughts. If your thoughts today are the same as yesterday, why did you even bother to wake up today? PS it gets worse. Not only are the thoughts the same, they are mostly negative. They actually have to be negative or you would’nt be reading this.
Sorry to repeat, but we need a basic understanding of our brain, as it relates to evolution, and being here, as a predicate to this conversation. So whether you believe in evolution, millions of years, or religion, thousands of years. You are not the first of your family line to be here.
Every one of your ancestors, maybe hundreds or thousands, needed a sweet tooth so they didnt eat poison and die, and they needed to store fat efficiently, and not waste energy ( be lazy). They also needed to worry about predators. We didnt always have guns, so you better worry all the time 24/7 about getting eaten
So we have established that you are a fat, lazy ice cream eating neurotic sitting on the couch, because you had to be. Its in your genes.
Today lets explore why you are fat, lazy, anxious and angry to boot. PS almost forgot, probably alcoholic too. Talk about getting glucose into your blood stream. Although a yo yo effect, hmm addicted anyone?
Sorry my brain is a little ADD. But so is yours. It is all wired together so every thought leads to another thought? The only difference is my brain is thinking. Your brain is jumping from one problem to another. Cant believe how much the brain actually does creative thinking when its not involved in protecting you by worrying about that animal ready to pounce on you. You do know that todays animal is not a lion, tiger or bear, its next months mortgage payment, the kid’s tuition, your boss, or if you are lucky, huge business loans, and your retirement account or lack of.
Wow what a bunch of interesting ideas to pursue. I believe I just gave myself a years worth of blogs. However lets finish this thought. As you can tell I have gotten good at not thinking of the dozens of real life challenges I could be worried, about and the expected doesnt make me angry, but I, and I am willing to bet a lot of us, get angry when people deviate from the norm or violate societal norms.
Heck Larry David’s whole persona on Curb Your Enthusiasm is based on that guy. 47 Emmy Nominations and 5 million viewers, and thats behind an HBO pay wall.
So here is my theory. Society does’nt exist without order. Seriously it is as big a threat to your life as the predator, running out of fuel (dont lose fat its the most efficient fuel) and your brain needing glucose or avoiding bitter, potentially poisons.
For me it feels like an aha moment. I know for all of you with what you think is bigger problems maybe not. I am totally vexed why I can be happy all day except for when that one asshole calls to sell me something and refuses to identify himself. I also agree with Larry David when the person on line for ice cream is trying 5 different ones. What the hell? that is a complete break down of society.
I expect murderers to murder, crooks to steal. But I dont expect District Attorneys to let them out of jail.
(the whole raison d’etre for Fox News. We might be on to something a lot bigger here. We all want society to work so we dont get killed. So when something deviates from the normal we absolutely are triggered to worry. It is existential.
Now if I can just remember that, so the next time I get a spam call selling solar and I ask three times what he is selling, just spit it out and he insists he is not selling he is offering me something great, I dont have to yell at him. Nor do I have to tell the next caller, “didnt your mother teach you manners? You are supposed to identify yourself when you call another person, or are you merely a bastard”. Hey Larry David, your protege is waiting, or is it Brad?
But seriously what do you think? I am going to start welcoming and publishing comments. We have a lot to think about. And I seriously wonder if others think or should I say feel, the same.
I think its wired into survival there must be some order and asking for 7 samples at the ice cream counter or driving slow in the fast lane will surely kill us. OK maybe not the ice cream samples. But if you have ever driven on the no speed limit autobahns in Europe, driving slow in the fast lane will kill you.
Google it. To this day people drive on the average 150 mph on the autobahn. I remember driving there when I was 17 and just wished when I got home that the asshole in the left lane here driving 49 miles an hour tried that shit in Germany and experienced the near death experience of someone coming up his butt at 150mph or more, and just maybe was able to slow down without killing him or her. Maybe they would think twice about self righteously sitting in the left lane even at 59 mph thinking they are the traffic cop of the word.
Life needs order and meaning it is not Nihilistic. In fact I prefer flow.
Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi takes on the problem of how to live a happier life. A meaningful life is one where the person spends his time in a state of optimal experience called Flow. To live a great life, all your goals must be unified in a way that produces the maximum amount of flow.
Flow doesnt happen when people deviate from the norms or sit and shit in the left lane of your life while you are trying to finally get in the flow and enjoy your life.
Happiness Health and Beauty Secrets 