listening

Listen Like Oprah. Talk Like Obama.

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Oprah could make anyone feel heard.
Not just “heard,” but felt. Understood. Seen. That skill earned her a billion dollars.

Obama? He spoke with such resonance clarity and rhythm, That skill earned him the Presidency.

You dont have to agree with either of them. You dont even have to like them. But when it comes to creating relationships individually or even the world. They embody the greatest in speaking and listening and thats what you do every day with everyone.

That’s it. That’s the blog.
If you take the ball and run with it—if you really get it—
Your life will change.
Your relationships will deepen.
You can stop reading now.

Still here?

Good. Then let’s go deeper.

The First Skill: Listen Like Oprah

Deep listening isn’t a cute communication trick. It’s a superpower.
To listen like Oprah means dropping the voices in your head.
Yes, those voices:
– The voice preparing your response.
– The voice judging what they’re saying.
– The voice itching to say, “Me too!”

Thoughts will pop up. That’s normal.
But true listening means having the discipline to let those thoughts go and return—again and again—to the person in front of you.

Because here’s the truth:
No matter how profound your story or how helpful your insight might be,
it can wait.
Bite your tongue.
Stay with them.

If you’re truly present, something magical happens:
They go deeper.
They open up.
They feel your presence—and they want to stay there.

The Second Skill: Talk Like Obama

Obama didn’t rush.
He didn’t try to cram in every thought at once.
He gave you space—space to feel, space to digest what he was saying.

That’s how you speak so people remember.

We live in a world where speed is mistaken for clarity.
But slowness is power.

If you want to be heard: slow down.
If you want your words to land: pause.
If you want to connect: let your voice breathe.

This is the paradox of real communication:
We talk fast to be heard… and end up ignored.
We interrupt to connect… and end up pushing people away.

The Real Secret? It’s Not About You.

The moment you drop the need to be impressive,
The moment you stop trying to sound smart, or be right, or fix something,
You start to connect.

When someone speaks to you, listen not just for the words—
Listen for what’s not said.
The tone.
The hesitations.
The body language.

Then ask about that.

“I noticed your tone shifted when you talked about your daughter. What’s going on there?”

That’s the kind of listening people never forget.
That’s the kind of question that opens hearts.
That’s where the real stuff lives.

Final Thought

This isn’t a gimmick.
This is a way of being.

Listen like Oprah. Talk like Obama.
And watch your world change.

Level Six/Sex Listening

| johnas9000

I am totally getting kicked out of the men’s club for revealing one of our best-kept secrets. Men listen for sex. Just like the guy on the corner with the sign that reads “Will Work for Food,” we’re out here with an invisible “Will Listen for Sex” sign hanging around our necks. Don’t believe me? If you’re a woman, feel free to ask your significant other. They’re either going to laugh and nod or scramble to deny it (and you know what that means!).


So let’s be real here. We’re not exactly enthralled by the latest celebrity drama or every twist and turn in Luke and Laura’s love life. I know the hate mail and texts are coming any second now from every man. I fear I will have to pay thousands of dollars in sms overage charges.

OK we had some fun, which is a vital energy. But this just might be the segue for you to understand the power of deep listening, and maybe how to apply it to other areas of your life. If deep listening is enough to open heaven’s gate, imagine what it could do for your business. Just sayin. PS if you want to learn in all seriousness about different levels of listening, energies, questioning finding people’s desires aka pain and being one who really resonates with everyone all the time, my friends at Unblinded have truly mastered every little step of it.

Deep Listening: Why It Matters and How It Transforms

Beyond the laughable male motivations, deep listening truly is a powerful skill. And I know, right now, you’re probably saying, “I’m already a pretty good listener.” But are you really? I’ll bet you’re part of daily conversations that feel pointless, or worse, that you accidentally derail by sharing the story of how your grandparents are from the same little town as the person sharing their soul.

That’s not deep listening—that’s listening with “me” energy, hoping to relate but actually missing a chance for real, lasting rapport. You’re bypassing true connection and moving into the comfort zone of familiarity without understanding. The opportunity to build deep connection and lasting relationships evaporates the second you break the flow.

Quantum Leaps in Listening, Quantum Leaps in Life

Here’s the beauty of this practice: deep listening isn’t about manipulation. It’s not about using someone’s words to angle your way into their lives. If you genuinely care about people, truly love connecting with others, then deep listening is the deepest gift you can give. It’s a gift that leaves people feeling seen, heard, and valued—and yes, that’s priceless in business and in life.

Imagine being the person who consistently resonates with people around you—your friends, your family, your colleagues, and clients. Imagine giving each of them your full attention without interruption, letting them feel felt, heard, and understood. That’s the magic behind deep listening, and it’s a skill that’s always worth refining. And, in all seriousness, if you want to master the subtle, nuanced art of deep listening, questioning, and resonating at that high level, my friends at Unblinded have mastered each step of it. They understand what it takes to uncover people’s desires and create a space for real rapport.

Give the Gift of Listening: A New Friend Awaits

Ultimately, listening isn’t about aligning goods or services; it’s about giving the ultimate gift: connection. When you make someone feel truly heard, you build trust, a genuine relationship, and yes, maybe even a new friend. From there, business interests can align or not—it’s secondary. What’s most important is that you’ve built a bridge, one that opens doors to possibilities you might never have known existed.

So, here’s my parting question for you: Did my playful energy catch your attention? Did it open your listening? If it did, then maybe—just maybe—it’s time to explore what deeper listening could do for you. Because when you go beyond listening with an agenda, you uncover a whole new level of engagement and connection, both personally and professionally. Give it a try, and who knows? You might just find yourself building bridges to places you never expected

The Power of Pauses: Rethinking Our Conversation Dynamics

| johnas9000

Introduction: This morning, while working with AI on a video I had made, I noticed it automatically removed all the filler words like “um” and pauses. A conversation with a friend later reminded me that pauses are sometimes better left in for emphasis. This got me thinking about the nuances of our everyday conversations.

The Role of Pauses and Fillers:

  1. Do we use filler words like “um” out of fear that a long pause might prompt others to start talking, interrupting our thought process?
  2. How do different speaking and thinking styles affect our conversations?
  3. What about those who enjoy multiple conversation threads versus those who prefer focused, single-topic discussions?

The Pause Experiment: What if we intentionally paused for 5 seconds before responding in every conversation?

  • Would this make the other person feel more heard and understood?
  • Is 5 seconds the ideal duration, or should it vary?

Alternative Listening Techniques:

  1. Repeating back what we’ve heard for accuracy
  2. Asking follow-up “why” questions
  3. Being more specific in our responses, similar to giving detailed compliments

Call to Action: I’m challenging myself to experiment with these ideas over the next few weeks. I invite you to join me in this experiment. Consider how your relationships might benefit from:

  1. Allowing for natural pauses
  2. Ensuring you’ve heard everything the other person has to say
  3. Providing specific feedback to show you’ve truly listened and understood

Conclusion: Just as we’ve discussed the importance of being specific with compliments in a previous blog, perhaps we need to apply the same level of intentionality to our listening and feedback. This could be the key to making others feel genuinely heard and understood in our conversations.

Enter at Their Speed Limit

| johnas9000

In the bustling world we live in, where interactions are constant and varied, there’s a subtle art to connecting with others that can significantly enhance our communication. This art is known as matching and mirroring, a concept rooted in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). Today, I want to dive into this fascinating technique and explore how matching or matching minus the energy of the person you’re speaking to can transform your conversations.

The Essence of Matching and Mirroring

At its core, matching and mirroring involves adopting aspects of another person’s behavior, speech, or body language to build rapport and create a sense of harmony. It’s a natural process we often do unconsciously with people we feel comfortable with. By consciously applying this technique, we can enhance our ability to connect with others, making our interactions more fluid and effective.

Imagine you’re speaking with someone who is very calm and soft-spoken. If you approach them with high energy and a loud voice, it might create a disconnect, making the conversation feel awkward or even overwhelming. Instead, by matching their calm demeanor, you can create a sense of comfort and understanding. This is entering at their speed limit.

The Power of Matching Minus

Sometimes, it’s not about fully mirroring the other person but slightly dialing back your energy to match theirs. This technique, often referred to as “matching minus,” involves subtly aligning with their pace and tone without completely mimicking them. It’s a delicate balance that shows empathy and respect for their state of being while still maintaining your own unique presence.

For example, if someone is expressing sadness or frustration, you don’t need to mirror their emotions exactly. Instead, you can match minus by adopting a more subdued tone and calm body language. This approach acknowledges their feelings and creates a safe space for them to open up, without amplifying their emotional state.

Practical Applications in Everyday Life

Whether you’re in a professional setting, such as our aesthetic doctor’s office at Precision Aesthetics, where we go to great lengths to ensure everyone’s comfort and privacy, or interacting with friends and family, mastering the art of matching and mirroring can have profound benefits. Here are a few practical tips to get started:

  1. Observe and Listen: Pay attention to the other person’s body language, tone of voice, and speech patterns. This observation is the first step in effectively matching their energy.
  2. Subtle Adjustments: Make small adjustments to your own behavior. If they’re speaking slowly, slow down your own speech. If they’re using specific gestures, incorporate similar ones naturally into your conversation.
  3. Practice Empathy: Show genuine interest and empathy in your interactions. People can sense when you’re truly engaged and respectful of their emotional state.
  4. Stay Authentic: While it’s important to match and mirror, it’s equally crucial to remain authentic. The goal is to create rapport, not to mimic or lose your own identity.

Conclusion

“Enter at Their Speed Limit” is more than just a technique; it’s a mindset of empathy, respect, and connection. By consciously matching or matching minus the energy of those we interact with, we can create more meaningful and effective communication. In a world that often feels rushed and disconnected, this simple yet powerful approach can make all the difference. Let’s embrace this art and enhance our relationships, one conversation at a time.

Remember, the next time you engage with someone, consider their speed limit. Adjust your approach, and watch as your connections deepen and flourish.

Feel free to share your thoughts or experiences with matching and mirroring in the comments below. Let’s continue the conversation and learn from each other.

With warmth and respect, John

Active listening is BS and use different techniques for each technology

| johnas9000

In my previous post I pointed out that even approving is interrupting. Its literally the opposite of what they teach in active listening. THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE INTERRUPTED by your egotistic observation that you agree with them. It is literally no different than focusing back on yourself. Think about it whether you say “I agree” or “the same thing happened to me” Its all self referential, so what is the difference?

When I had my magical listening of a few weeks ago. I didnt interrupt them to tell them I agreed and guess what? They kept changing the subject and told me all kinds of things and it was all on the phone. It was deeper and more gratifying than any conversation we had previously had. That was magical listening.

But today someone did need assurance that I did hear them and that the call hadnt been disconnected. So therefore I suggest some noise so that they know you are there but do not interrupt their train of thought if its a phone call.

On Zoom its actually more challenging and desktop and phone are different as well. For example I have two screens even I was put off by the video of me when I looked at the second screen to see the person I was talking to because my camera was on the first screen so it looked like I wasnt even looking at them.

It was so disconcerting even for me, the listener. I cant imagine what they were feeling. I also recently heard and experimented with where you look on the phone.

Here is a trick or game you can try yourself. Take 2 selfies. One where you look at yourself on the phone. The second one where you look at the top at the green light on the iphone. And if you really want to get more granular look to the right of the green light that is where the lens actually is. I immediately saw the difference. It looked like I was looking right into my eyes or the viewers eyes. It was a much deeper connection.

You dont have visual cues on a phone call. Think about that. It requires even more discipline on your part to find the absolute minimal feedback that you are listening. Got that? Listening. Not that you agree, not your opinion, not your advice. Simply that you ARE listening. Its a lot trickier today.

And watch out on Zoom. I dont want you to manipulate. But you might mirror the other person a little bit to make them feel comfortable. And they will see you if you look down or away, so stay focused on the camera, assuming you care about the person you are speaking to.

ABOVE ALL ELSE PAUSE!!!!! and Pause again. People are often not done talking. If you are speaking to someone I assume that its someone that deserves your time and you have a relationship with them and you care enough to hear what they have to say so DO IT. Listen, listen listen. When you think they are done, pause. 9 times out of 10 they have more to say. What a gift. Its like a therapist. Something they would gladly pay hundreds of dollars an hour for someone to simply listen to them because so few people have that skill.

PS I disagree with everything even what famous Psychologists have said. Forget Carl Rogers, forget Freud, listen to me. Active listening is BS No one wants to be interrupted when they are finding their way to their solution. Reflective listening is BS. No one wants you to say. “So what I hear you saying is xyz.” It sounds so patronizing and its simply interrupting them as well. So its a twofer. Just shut up and listen.

Maybe that will be my technique Shut Up And Listen. I am going to practice it every day for a few weeks and report back. Zero feedback. No one wants to hear your feedback. Not even in an argument. If your wife said you left your dirty underwear on the floor. Do you really think she wants to hear you say, “so what I am hearing is that you dont like when I leave my shit stained underwear on the floor?” No shit sherlock or Sigmund, she knows that you know that and so does your poor cat or dog who is a lot closer to the ground and can smell 100 x better than you,

Perhaps if you kept your big fat trap shut, she might have gone on to say and I also hate when you dont take out the garbage and the whole kitchen stinks.

So lets play a game here. What do you think will improve your relationship? You parroting back to her, or listening to everything she wants to say to you for the first time ever? Even if it takes an hour or two. She might feel listened to and heard for the first time ever.

Why dont you try my technique and leave me a comment. I think it will save any relationship if you can keep your fat trap shut. PS you might need a lot of therapy because everything she is going to say is going to kick up feelings in you, assuming you have been on this planet for more than 2 year and you were actually brought up by human beings who said and did a lot of things to you and had a ton of beliefs and opinions that were also foisted upon you. Humans are the only animals that are under the care of their parents for more than a decade. So they had plenty of time to screw you up as well as the person you are speaking to, or should I say listening.

PS if she wanted someone to parrot back what she just said she would have married him not you.