There are two types of phone poopers in the world. If you’ve ever caught yourself scrolling while sitting, you might just fit into one of these categories. Let’s delve into the psychology—and hilarity—of this modern-day phenomenon.

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Type One: The Fearful Poopers

These folks can’t go to the bathroom without their phone because of an acute case of FOMO—Fear of Missing Out—or its lesser-known sibling, FOMAC—Fear of Missing a Call. They’re convinced that the exact moment they sit down will coincide with something monumental happening. A text from their boss? Beyoncé announcing surprise tickets? World peace? Anything seems possible when the bathroom door closes, and their anxiety keeps them tethered to their device.

For the Fearful Pooper, a quick trip to the loo is not just a bodily function—it’s a potential crisis management station. Missing that Instagram Live feels equivalent to missing a life-altering event.

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Type Two: The Entertained Poopers

For these individuals, it’s not fear—it’s boredom. The silence of a bathroom break feels deafening, almost unbearable. The solution? Full-blown entertainment. Whether it’s leveling up in Candy Crush, scrolling TikTok, or even answering work emails (yes, some of us do that), these people turn a mundane activity into an entertainment hub.

For the Entertained Pooper, every moment must be productive or stimulating, even if it’s just watching funny dog videos between wipes.

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What Does This Say About Us?

Our bathroom habits reveal how deeply smartphones have infiltrated our lives. We’ve evolved from flipping through bathroom magazines or doing crossword puzzles to requiring a pocket-sized supercomputer for those few private minutes. But this begs a deeper question:

What happens if we don’t bring our phones?

Could a bathroom break without digital stimulation transform into a rare moment of reflection? Could it be an opportunity to engage in mindfulness, ponder life’s mysteries, or—dare we say—just sit with our thoughts?

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The Phone-Free Challenge

Next time nature calls, try an experiment: leave your phone behind. Notice how you feel. Do you panic? Reach for phantom pockets? Or, maybe—just maybe—you discover a strange sense of peace in the absence of notifications and distractions.

This little test could be a subtle reminder that unplugging, even for a few minutes, can lead to surprising clarity. And who knows? That quiet moment might become the most productive “you time” you’ve had all day.

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A Public Service Announcement for Phone Poopers

Before you bring your phone into the bathroom, consider this sobering statistic: dropping your phone in the toilet is more common than you think. It’s a messy, tragic fate no phone deserves. If you absolutely must take it with you, at least employ the “poop responsibly” rule—set it on a counter or use both hands when the moment calls.

And an even more important PSA: If you’re on Zoom, please double-check that both your video and audio are muted. Nobody needs to witness (or hear) your “business” meeting.

Remember: clean hands, clean phone, clean conscience.

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The Takeaway (Pun Fully Intended)

Whether you’re a Fearful Pooper or an Entertained Pooper, we’re all guilty of letting our devices dominate even the most private moments. But the bathroom might just be the perfect place to break free—one small step for bathroom time, one giant leap for reclaiming your sanity.