I know it sounds backwards, but it’s true. The problem is we don’t have the right vocabulary to express it. Should I say “not being attached to the outcome”? Let’s explore this concept with the greatest love of all—not self-love, but the love for your children.

Of course, you should ensure your children don’t get run over by a car, but maybe that’s where it should begin and end. You’re probably aware that some of the greatest successes in the world dropped out of college: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Michael Dell. Even Quentin Tarantino and Richard Branson dropped out of high school. So, “caring” and trying to impose your ideas and rules on your child might actually be a bit selfish.

Now, let’s segue to your partner. If you “want” them to do something supposedly for their own good, why is that? It’s often for your own benefit. Are you starting to get it? I’m sure there have been times when you said, “I no longer care,” and then, like a bolt of lightning, everything changed for the better. Because, said or unsaid, you were trying to control the other person and the outcome. That is not love or unselfishness at all.

It’s hard, but it’s much like most parents know: there is definitely a time, sooner or later, when it’s time to let go. Calling it “not caring” might be easier for us Westerners to understand because we are venturing into Eastern philosophical territory here. Detachment, not indifference, allows for growth and true connection.

The idea is to love deeply and unconditionally while letting go of the desire to control the outcome. This kind of love respects the autonomy and individuality of others. It’s about supporting without dictating, guiding without forcing, and loving without binding.

Think about it. When you let go of the need to control, you create space for true growth, freedom, and authentic relationships. This is the highest form of caring—not imposing your will, but allowing the natural course of life to unfold, trusting that love and respect will guide the way.

Want further proof? What about parents who “spoil” their children vs those that insist their children work and do all the things that made them successful? I know my father actually told me, now that I am remembering it. “I worked hard so you wouldnt have to” Dont get a summer job, learn something. That didnt work out for me at all. I went through hell from 16 to 26. Just thought of those words as I was writing this. So to conclude, detach, its not about you, its what you can do to empower your loved ones, your children, your partner. Often it is allowing them to learn allowing them to be accountable, allowing them to learn the hard lessons of life. So maybe it might look like “not caring” to an outsider. But its the greatest gift you can give to people you love.

Need further proof. Nobody knows better than Alcoholics Anonymous. 2 million members in 180 countries. The most successful treatment program for the most ubiquitously available drug on the planet. What did they have to create? AL-anon. What do they teach? That helping is enabling. Most of what they teach applies to everyone and everything. Something as simple as the serenity prayer applies to every thing in every day. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

Lets leave it at that since it applies to everything including the subject of this blog.