When we think about building rapport, the common assumption is to find similarities and share them eagerly. Imagine meeting someone and discovering that their mother was born in the same small city in Ukraine as yours. You’d think sharing this would instantly create a connection, right? Wrong. Buzzer please! On a scale of 1 to 5, that’s a zero.

Or picture this: a new acquaintance tells you their favorite sport is basketball. You jump in to share that baseball is yours, thinking it’s a great way to bond over sports. Buzzer again! Still level zero.

Why doesn’t this work?

Here’s the insight that flips the script on what real rapport is. I have to give 100% credit to Sean Callagy, the leader of Unblinded, for this profound understanding. During a conversation with a young lady who cherished watching the Yankees with her father and family, Sean didn’t just wait for his turn to speak or share his own baseball stories. Instead, he listened deeply. He recognized the emotional weight of her relationship with her father and how it colored her love for the Yankees. He listened so intently and empathically that he had to stop himself to avoid bringing her to tears. That’s a level 5 connection.

The key to real rapport isn’t in sharing our stories. It’s in deeply understanding and acknowledging theirs.

Think about it. How many times have you shared something that felt 110% relevant to the conversation, only to have the other person say, “I forgot what I was going to say”? What does that tell you? It suggests that while you were focused on your relevant contribution, they were waiting to share something important to them. They weren’t heard. They weren’t seen.

Earlier in the day on a morning call, Michael Smikun, another leader at Unblinded, explained the concept of “acknowledgement.” I realized its significance when I tried to help a friend transition out of grief without first acknowledging their pain. I had the right intention – I didn’t want them to suffer – but I missed the mark. They thought I didn’t care because I skipped over acknowledging their grief. My focus was on easing their suffering, but without recognition of their current state, it felt dismissive.

Real rapport is about more than matching and mirroring. It’s about being fully present and deeply acknowledging the other person’s experience.

This isn’t something new. I learned the basics of matching and mirroring 40 years ago with Anthony Robbins. But what I’m talking about here goes far beyond that. It’s not just about reflecting back behaviors or words. It’s about tuning into the emotional and relational frequencies of the people you engage with.

To truly connect, we must go beyond superficial similarities and dive into genuine understanding.

This takes practice and a lot of patience. It’s about listening not just with our ears, but with our hearts. It’s about being of true service and support to those we love. And when we master this, the connections we build are richer, more meaningful, and profoundly impactful.

So next time you find yourself in a conversation, resist the urge to share your own stories right away. Instead, listen deeply, acknowledge fully, and let the connection naturally deepen. That’s real rapport.

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Final Thoughts

The insights shared here are inspired by the wisdom and teachings of Sean Callagy and Michael Smikun from Unblinded. Their guidance has profoundly reshaped my understanding of building meaningful connections. I would be remiss not to mention Fernando Valencia, who brings yet another nuance of rapport, which I will delve into in my next post. If you’re ready to take your relationships to the next level, start by practicing deep, empathetic listening. And remember, true connection lies in the heart of genuine understanding.