I know I have written about listening countless times. But I realized there is still, “more”. I am getting better and better at listening. As a result, I am having magical experiences with new and old friends, family, and loved ones. In fact it feels like the hand of God, or the voice of God. It is beyond profound. The feeling of closeness and love, is mind boggling and astonishing, and I love it.

So here is the formula again, for those of you who havent gotten it. Just say nothing. Dont think, dont give feedback, just enjoy the listening. Enjoy this person, who is obviously important to you, or you wouldnt be “talking” to them. But here is where even our vocabulary is wrong. Why do we even say I am talking to someone? 

THAT IS WRONG! If you are “talking to someone” you are not listening. Think about that for a moment. We describe the very act of having a conversation as “talking to someone” By the way I hope you are not talking “at” them or are dying to be heard, or cant wait to put forth that brilliant idea of yours, or share that absolutely genius insight you have. That is your ego. It is the opposite of love. Even if you are acknowledging what they just said, arent you just proving you are so smart you understood exactly what they said?

Here is yet another thing not to do. Do you ever say, OMG I can imagine how bad you felt or how horrible that must have been. You are literally going too far and making them relive something horrible vs allowing them to express it and let go of it. Granted I just learned that one today in an advanced coaching course. But I still think a lot of you will understand it.

Question, why do people pay up to $500 an hour or more to go to a psychologist? It is the price people are willing to pay for 45 minutes, to one hour of deep listening without interruption. If you have experienced, it you know the truth of that statement. In fact many of the greatest insights happen simply because, as the psychologist allowed you to speak uninterrupted, you found your way to an insight or breakthrough. You then give the psychologist credit for your breakthrough. I would bet if you can find a friend who is willing to listen uninterrupted for one hour you would literally have the same experience. But good luck with that.

What if we articulated the act of having a conversation as listening vs talking? I truly believe every relationship no matter how deep or intimate you think it already is, would go even deeper. And you could solve every problem from your day to day relationships, to literally world problems, by simply listening. This is exactly what I am experiencing with people closest to me, loved ones, associates, and even people I have known for 20 years. Every, already close relationship, is deepening in extremely moving and profound ways and I love it.

We are all human beings. We all want to be seen, felt, heard and understood. How can that possibly happen when you are talking? Therein lies the problem. You also want to be seen, heard, felt and understood, assuming you are human. But if you want to “give love” especially this Valentine’s Day, just listen.

Want love? Shut up. Want a closer connection? Shut up. What to make someone feel great or loved? Bite your tongue. Give them your presence. Give them your undivided attention. Dont look at your watch. Dont look at anything else, another browser, whatever, if you are on Zoom. Dont scroll on your phone if you are on the phone. Just listen whole heartedly. Its that simple.

Listening is Love Happy Valentines Day.