In my previous post I pointed out that even approving is interrupting. Its literally the opposite of what they teach in active listening. THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE INTERRUPTED by your egotistic observation that you agree with them. It is literally no different than focusing back on yourself. Think about it whether you say “I agree” or “the same thing happened to me” Its all self referential, so what is the difference?

When I had my magical listening of a few weeks ago. I didnt interrupt them to tell them I agreed and guess what? They kept changing the subject and told me all kinds of things and it was all on the phone. It was deeper and more gratifying than any conversation we had previously had. That was magical listening.

But today someone did need assurance that I did hear them and that the call hadnt been disconnected. So therefore I suggest some noise so that they know you are there but do not interrupt their train of thought if its a phone call.

On Zoom its actually more challenging and desktop and phone are different as well. For example I have two screens even I was put off by the video of me when I looked at the second screen to see the person I was talking to because my camera was on the first screen so it looked like I wasnt even looking at them.

It was so disconcerting even for me, the listener. I cant imagine what they were feeling. I also recently heard and experimented with where you look on the phone.

Here is a trick or game you can try yourself. Take 2 selfies. One where you look at yourself on the phone. The second one where you look at the top at the green light on the iphone. And if you really want to get more granular look to the right of the green light that is where the lens actually is. I immediately saw the difference. It looked like I was looking right into my eyes or the viewers eyes. It was a much deeper connection.

You dont have visual cues on a phone call. Think about that. It requires even more discipline on your part to find the absolute minimal feedback that you are listening. Got that? Listening. Not that you agree, not your opinion, not your advice. Simply that you ARE listening. Its a lot trickier today.

And watch out on Zoom. I dont want you to manipulate. But you might mirror the other person a little bit to make them feel comfortable. And they will see you if you look down or away, so stay focused on the camera, assuming you care about the person you are speaking to.

ABOVE ALL ELSE PAUSE!!!!! and Pause again. People are often not done talking. If you are speaking to someone I assume that its someone that deserves your time and you have a relationship with them and you care enough to hear what they have to say so DO IT. Listen, listen listen. When you think they are done, pause. 9 times out of 10 they have more to say. What a gift. Its like a therapist. Something they would gladly pay hundreds of dollars an hour for someone to simply listen to them because so few people have that skill.

PS I disagree with everything even what famous Psychologists have said. Forget Carl Rogers, forget Freud, listen to me. Active listening is BS No one wants to be interrupted when they are finding their way to their solution. Reflective listening is BS. No one wants you to say. “So what I hear you saying is xyz.” It sounds so patronizing and its simply interrupting them as well. So its a twofer. Just shut up and listen.

Maybe that will be my technique Shut Up And Listen. I am going to practice it every day for a few weeks and report back. Zero feedback. No one wants to hear your feedback. Not even in an argument. If your wife said you left your dirty underwear on the floor. Do you really think she wants to hear you say, “so what I am hearing is that you dont like when I leave my shit stained underwear on the floor?” No shit sherlock or Sigmund, she knows that you know that and so does your poor cat or dog who is a lot closer to the ground and can smell 100 x better than you,

Perhaps if you kept your big fat trap shut, she might have gone on to say and I also hate when you dont take out the garbage and the whole kitchen stinks.

So lets play a game here. What do you think will improve your relationship? You parroting back to her, or listening to everything she wants to say to you for the first time ever? Even if it takes an hour or two. She might feel listened to and heard for the first time ever.

Why dont you try my technique and leave me a comment. I think it will save any relationship if you can keep your fat trap shut. PS you might need a lot of therapy because everything she is going to say is going to kick up feelings in you, assuming you have been on this planet for more than 2 year and you were actually brought up by human beings who said and did a lot of things to you and had a ton of beliefs and opinions that were also foisted upon you. Humans are the only animals that are under the care of their parents for more than a decade. So they had plenty of time to screw you up as well as the person you are speaking to, or should I say listening.

PS if she wanted someone to parrot back what she just said she would have married him not you.